In article <email@example.com> firstname.lastname@example.org Patrick A. Townson asks:
Do you remember that Sunday night and what you were doing as you watched history taking place?
At the time that the first men were walking on the moon it was about 2am in Hammersmith, London and a few days before my seventh birthday. I remember that night well because of a dream I had and I'd like to share it with you all if only because I'm a complete bastard and I want you all to suffer; I have sent some secret control characters with this message so if you try to junk or kill this article your terminal will self-destruct (and maybe your gold-fillings too [okay, so I'm not perfect, it has some bugs]).
It was King Rollo's birthday and he had lots of presents because he was a good king and everyone loved him. His son, the Prince George, had decided to wait and give his present later. The evil Witch Martha saw the King opening all his presents through her magic mirror with which she could spy anywhere in the land. Martha was very jealous because it was her birthday too and she hadn't got any presents. Well, she thought to herself, she did get one, but that was only from her niece Cathy who lived in the castle with her and family didn't count.
In a fit of rage she said some magic words, waved her magic wand and gave a blood-curdling scream and magicked the King from his present-full palace bedroom to her horrible castle dungeons. George happened to arrive and tap on his father's door. When there was no answer he entered and was surprised that his father was not there and saw that some presents were unopened. He fetched the head porter who was just as bemused. Until the King returned, the head porter swore to guard the presents. Martha was, of course, watching all this through her magic mirror and giggled contentedly to herself. She spoke into the mirror and her gloating words were carried over to the King's bedroom. George was stunned by the news but was determined to save his father.
With the help of Roland Rat and two guards, George made his way to Martha's castle. They reached the outer wall and were dismayed to see that there were some sentries. They whispered among themselves, trying to figure out how to get into the castle when suddenly Roland darted away from the huddled group towards the castle. His friends watched with fear as Roland was spotted by the witch's sentries and started running towards him. As they ran, their keys fell from their pockets and Roland squeezed into a tunnel and escaped. The sentries both jumped in and became stuck. George sighed with relief and went to look for the keys which were so conveniently dropped.
George and his two companions wandered the dark corridors and finally found the King and released him. The father and son hugged each other and began to make their way out of the castle. When they were just leaving the castle grounds they heard a scream. They went to where they heard the girl's voice and saw a beautiful girl standing by a frog. The King gently asked why the girl screamed. She replied that she had heard that kissing a frog would turn it into a Prince but when she kissed the frog it jumped onto her head and scared her.
After shyly telling her story she looked up to the group and her eyes met with George and sparkled. King noticed this and was pleased. He introduced himself to the girl who'd admitted that she didn't like living with her aunt. The King offered her a place in the Palace and she happily agreed. They began to walk back to the Palace.
Meanwhile, the witch had teleported herself to the Palace. She had also teleported her pet monster which lived in her moat but which suddenly found itself in the King's moat which was already inhabited by an equally fearsome monster. Martha entered the bedroom and made to grab the presents. The head porter jumped up and snatched them out of her reach. She asked what he thought he was doing, because the presents were all hers now and she could magic him into a doughnut and eat him for breakfast. The porter was not daunted by this threat and began to throw the presents out of the window, crying out that if the King could not have them then nobody could.
The presents splished and splashed into the moat below and both monsters went to investigate. The moat was big enough that they hadn't noticed each other's presence before but as each rounded the Palace walls one noticed the other and they threw themselves into a fight. Ooh, it was a terrible and bloody fight but the King's monster was stronger. He lashed towards the other monster and flipped him into his mouth. The witch's monster screamed.
The witch, unaware of the battle below, screamed her blood-curdling scream and jumped out of the window to save the presents. She fell into her monster's opened mouth and was eaten by the King's monster.
The King rejoiced in his freedom and declared a public holiday for all. George and Cathy had fallen in love and George made a speech saying how that the King was loved and received many gifts but the witch was bad and only received pain and misery. He then announced that he was going to marry Cathy. Everyone cheered and the King smiled.
Then I woke up.
-- Paola Kathuria, Software Engineer, [email@example.com<->uunet!zen.co.uk!paola] Zengrange Limited, Greenfield Rd., Leeds, ENGLAND, LS9 8DB. (+44) 532 489048
If you are still reading this then we want to hear from you. This has been a psychology test and, having read to the end of the above article, you have passed our test. Please answer the questions below then send your name and address to:
The Secret Service Headquarters
We can't tell you this bit
Nope, not this bit either
Or this one
We need people like you on our team.
Please answer all the following questions using a scale -3 to +3 where:
- means "Uh-nuh, that's not anything like me"
- means "Pass me that grey quokka, please"
- means "Nope, not me"
- means "Duh"
- means "Weeeeeell, it's like me sometimes"
- means "Yeah, I do that"
- means "Wow, man, you may as well be describing me!"
Please go through the questions as quickly as possible and do not go back and change any responses. Any questions? No? You may begin.
- When I go to parties I sit on the stairs and make it really hard for people to get past when they are struggling to go to the bathroom.
- I just love fried killifish with mustard sauce.
- I never swear.
- The leg I lost in the war still itches sometimes.
- Che sera, sera.
- I am not a number.
- We can't find question seven.
- Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
- I will give you lots of doughnuts.
- says "I escaped! The plan worked. Take me to your leader, comrade, I want to defect. I'm fed up working in cheap movies."
"Sorry, old boy, we already have Schwarzenegger."